spelling, washing up, and the many evils of Virginia Andrews
June 20, 2002 | 3:58 a.m.

Sometimes I spell words like 'interrupted' and 'necessary' wrong because I can't remember which leter is repeated, the 'r' or the 'p' in interrupted and the 'c' or the 's' in necessary. I don't have a problem with 'necessary' any more though - my old English teacher told me a rhyme for it (Never Eat Chocolate, Eat Salad Sandwiches and Remain Young.) When I'd heard that once I knew how to spell necessary, it's not like I have to say it over in my head every time I write the word.

Give me some credit.

This thing with double letters annoys me, it makes me feel stupid.

Let's see, what else... oh, I read a Virginia Andrews book yesterday.

I know she always gets lumped in with that other woman who writes undeniably shite excuses for reading material... is it Danielle Steele? Apparently they're both very popular, despite the 'quality' of their writing. I was very bored, and I wanted to read something by V.A. to see if she really is as bad as people say she is.

I wasn't disappointed, believe me (see, there's another one! Double 's' or double 'p'?! I'm pretty much down with 'disappointed' though, it doesn't usually give me any trouble .) The book I had the misfortune to read was from the 'Cute 'n Lonely Orphans Miniseries' or something to that effect. I'm not even going to describe the plot, because frankly it didn't deserve to be called one. Some things that really pissed me off about it - the narrator (a 13-year-old girl) describes her new mother as having "hair in undulating waves down to her shoulders." How many 13- year-olds do you know who have the word 'undulating' in their vocabulary?! V.A., the bitch, hasn't made any attempt whatsoever to write from the POV of a 13-year-old. She's stated once that this is a girl of 13 speaking, so you're supposed to think of her as that, when in fact the book could have been written from the POV of a 40-year-old man, or a 70-year-old woman, or hell, even a computer from the quality of the prose.

The fleshing out of the 'characters' was so minimal it was almost non-existent - this girl is an orphan, she's lonely, she wants a real family - so all the way through, she's saying things like "I'm a poor orphan. I'm lonely in this ophanage. All I've ever wanted is a real family, because when you're a poor orphan in an orphanage you don't have a real family.." etc etc. Clearly ['Muhahaha!' thinks our friend Virginia. 'Masterful! People will praise my character-fleshing-out abilities to the skies!'] V.A. has decided that if she continually states what her poor little orphan wants most in the world, over and over again, she will have delivered a complex, well-rounded character.

It was godawful sludge, that was the first phrase that came to my head when I finished it. The characters stumble through the contrived, nonsensical, horribly unimaginative plot points like cardboard cutouts. Little Orphan Annie's new mother wants her to be a famous ballerina so she can live her own dreams vicariously through her - those dreams that were viciously torn away from her when she was involved in a terrible car crash. Of course, she never says anything to the girl except "You must become a famous ballerina!! See my neverending poise and beauty!! Don't forget my hair with its undulating waves, which you so accurately described when first we met!! How tragic it is that I can never achieve my childhood dreams!! I never think or talk about anything else except the one point that differentiates me from all the other 'characters' in this pathetic bucket of shit, which V.A. in her infinite wisdom has deigned to give to me!!"

Apparently Danielle Steele (who I now want to read next) is Britney Spears' favourite author. I don't think I need to add anything to that.

I was just washing up a few things, and as I washed a mug which had had tea in it I saw some disgusting flaky bits at the bottom - I think they must have been bits of limescale from the kettle. I'm so glad I don't drink tea or coffee. How on earth do you clean limescale from a kettle? I also washed up a cereal bowl (no, no, not from this morning. What do you take me for? I just had some a few minutes ago, and if you think having cereal late at night is weird, I'm sorry but bite me.) I would normally put the leftover Coco Pops in the bin before I washed the bowl, but I forgot and just dumped it in the water. I nearly couldn't finish then - I realy hate bits of food floating about in the water while I'm doing it. I don't know why, I just find it disgusting. I was nearly finished, or yes, I would have changed the water. God, you're just like my mother sometimes.

That's all for now, I think. Oh, I've had mad hits the last couple of days, but my guestbook doesn't really have much to show for them. If you're out there, let me know what you think? I promise I don't bite. Much.

<3
gf

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