never again
October 03, 2002 | 7:00 p.m.

I feel guilty about it now. I knew I would, but what choice did I have? What choice does anyone have in a situation like that? I've said it before here and I'll say it again - you cannot allow people to fuck you around. You let one thing slide and you find you're doing it regularly. Then you let more and more go, because you want to keep the peace, because you want to get some peace, so you find you're never asserting yourself and your own opinions, and that could seriously drive someone insane. I don't seek confrontation in real life. It may seem so from this diary because I rant and swear a lot, but that's just it - so much of my frustration and aggression gets discharged here. When people make me angry, I don't kick off and scream at them - I keep it inside. I'm always being told not to bottle things up, but what's the alternative? If I hid nothing inside, I'd leave a trail of bodies wherever I went, and unfortunately our society forbids that.

Besides, we both knew where things were going. We weren't compatible, we had nothing in common. This person wasn't interested in the things I'm interested in, and it was certainly mutual. Though I hate to say this because it makes me sound like a snobbish bitch (and in some ways I am, I admit that) we were from different worlds. I need someone equal to me, someone who challenges my ideas, someone I can have an intelligent conversation with, someone who doesn't feel the need to disagree with everything I say because of some deep-seated inferiority issue. This person used to scare me, because I could see how off-centre they really were inside. I could feel that they were envious, and in a way, they hated me, even though they tried to hold on for so long in the end. I did try to help, but in the end it would have consumed me. I know that's true.

I didn't even like them, either. Let's not forget that. It was a very one-sided thing, so I felt the need to stay because I felt somewhat indebted, but you cannot allow yourself to fall into that trap. That's the worst thing. We did have good times together. I'm not denying that. I could force a sort of vague pitying affection for them at times. I'm not denying that either, but it wasn't enough, not even half enough. I have high standards for other people. If they don't meet them, then I just want to be as far away as possible. If I really like and respect them, I can tolerate their faults (a few, anyway) but if I don't, then it's useless. It's just better for them to find someone else who's similar to them, and let me go. Better for both of us.

I hope they learned something from this experience, too. I think it may have destroyed my faith in the human race altogether, for a time anyway. I never had much to begin with though. Don't forget that.

I feel so much better now. Diaryland's better than any counsellor. Did I ever write about the time I went to see a counsellor? If I wasn't suicidal already, that would have pushed me in the right (or wrong) direction. He just sat there saying "Hmm, really? What a shame. I wonder if I turned the oven off?" (Not the last bit, but you get what I'm saying). I lied by ommission the whole time too. I would never have considered doing anything else, even though I knew he was bound to keep everything I said to him confidential (that is, if he could remember one thing I'd said after I walked out of the door). I was forced into that, too. See my point? No one's going to do that to me again.

<3
gf

PS. I'm in quite a good mood at the moment, actually. I know you wouldn't know it from this entry.

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