this world is a mess
October 07, 2002 | 2:15 p.m.

If he knew what life is like for me, he'd understand why I felt, feel that way about it. People shouldn't make judgements on things they know less than nothing about. Without being overly arsed, he thinks the few hints I've given him are bad enough.

I apologise for being so ambiguous (and it does seem that I'm doing that more and more of late) but you have to understand that going into this stuff in detail would depress me much more than is healthy. I'd have to articulate it to myself, you see, and I can't deal with things when they're made as real and concrete as that. Especially if they affect my life and future in a big way. I've never been particularly practical, really. I can be, about everyday, relatively unconsequential things, but not about big scary what-ifs. I can't bear the thought that I'm not in control, that so much of my life is down to people who hardly know me and very often to people I've never met and will never meet. I know that this is a fact of life and I should accept it already like everyone else does, but I find that very difficult. So many things in this world are so inherently and glaringly fucked up, and I don't just mean terrorism or hunger or the domination of the moronic kid in the class over world politics and who's going to nuke who first. At least those things are noticed and remarked upon and people make an effort to change them for the better (with varying degrees of success, I admit). Sets of circumstances which just seem so wrong and unfair to me are seemingly hardly ever questioned... but that might be because I've always chafed under authority of any kind, especially faceless, red-tape laden authority, and I've never had much of a talent for playing the system. For playing them at their own game, if you like. I don't think I want that talent, either. I've always been quiet and compliant, I suppose, but like I said not long ago I can only be pushed so far and then my true feelings are made abundantly clear - more often than not to my own cost, but I don't care about that so much. What's the saying - still waters run deep? I hate sweeping cliches like that, but I think it's quite accurate. That and 'it's always the quiet ones.'

Today's lesson - do not fuck with me just because it seems like you can get away with it, because you never know when I'll snap.

what type of book are you?

I can't remember where I got this from. I might have found it while I was browsing the site myself, it's been kicking around in my favourites for ages.

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