I've been here before
August 20, 2002 | 2:39 a.m.

First off, apologies for not particpating in this week's Rings Thing yet again. I kind of can't answer the questions when they pertain to the DVD anyway, owing to the fact that I sort of don't own it. I haven't seen the TT trailer at all either, I have tried to watch it online but it always ended up crashing my browser, I've given up. So. Woe is me. I guess/hope this enforced lack of spoilage will make it even more stunning when I finally see it.

I hate to say it but it's becoming even harder for me to find things to write about in this diary. The recent long gaps happened originally because I didn't have access to a computer a lot of the time, I couldn't do anything about that. When I start college I'll have regular access (though I'm slightly afraid to go back because nothing will be where it used to be, owing to the large extension and the removal of a lot of the old buildings, and I don't want to have to deal with the burgeoning mass of administrative fuck-ups that will have caused. Half of the people working there couldn't organise a piss-up in a brewery, it's it's own naturally unfunny soul-crushingly boring sitcom. I'm surprised the BBC haven't seen its possibilities yet.) I'm digressing though. The thing is, these unavoidable gaps have made it harder for me to get back to writing naturally when I do have the internet access.

Also, my life is not good at the moment. It could be worse, but it's not good. I was very recently put into an extremely awkward position, the type that I spend a large amount of my life studiously avoiding - I saw myself the way someone else sees me, or I could do a very good job of imagining how they see me, which is more or less the same thing. I try very hard to avoid confrontation, with anybody (unless I lose my temper, which is different again. I don't let myself lose it unless there's a very good reason to, because it's a not a pretty sight. Or, um, sound. Moving on.) Sometimes it's impossible to avoid it, unfortunately. I don't want to go into details because articulating the episode to myself in order to write it down would depress the holy hell out of me, but I had an argument with someone about a lot of things, and heard some home truths about myself in the process. I don't personally believe the things said about me to be true, but clearly someone else has that impression of me.

I try to be the person other people want me to be as far as possible, without becoming a total doormat. I don't like being this way, but the most consistent lesson I've learnt throughout my life is that it's the best way, that it's the only way of getting some fucking peace once in a while. I'm quiet with some people, less so with others, positively loud with still others. I don't swear with some people, I say some words with others, I use every word in the book and a few more they left out with others. I allow myself to be quite natural and even say some things without thinking with some people, and I'm so guarded with others that you wouldn't even find it funny if you were watching the aforementioned sitcom and I was the main dysfunctional character. Is everybody like this? Does everybody have differing personality modifiers which they put in place depending on the company they're in? I think it is quite a normal thing - but I suspect that I'm not being myself - truly myself - with anybody. Not one person. I'll be 20 years old next March, and no one has ever known the real me. I don't trust anybody to accept me the way I am, so I try to give them the version I think they want. It doesn't always work, in fact it often comes crashing down around me, as I've just found out.

Is this a teenage cliche? Fuck that. I'll be as cliched as I pissing well want, I don't care. This is how I feel.

If I ever met someone I really, really liked, (loved, maybe? Stranger things have happened) someone I felt I connected with 100%, could I let them in? I don't think It will ever happen, but.. I don't think I could.

I suppose I think, from what I've experienced, from what I've been told in no uncertain terms time and time again so I'm sick of hearing it, the real me is not someone anyone else wants anything to do with.

<3
gf

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