whatever and ever
August 25, 2002 | 1:57 a.m.

I thought I should update now even though I don't have anything in particular to say, because in all likelihood I won't be here (that is, here with access to this computer) for the next fortnight at least. We're going on holiday on the 30th, and we're going somewhere without a computer until then.

I wish I did have someithing to say. I don't like to see this diary slowly dying, and I know that the people who've added me to their lists are interested in what I write (or they wouldn't have added me, that's logical, right?) I don't want to disappoint anybody. In fact it depresses me no end when I come across a diary which hasn't been updated for months. Boarded-up shops depress me too, I think I have a problem with things ending. I hope that won't mean that I keep this diary going after I really don't have anything to say in it, though I don't really think that will happen.

Lately I've been starting to feel that I'm operating on autopilot. I was very bored for a very long time, and unhappy, and I went through a period of raging against it, refusing to accept it as the norm. Recently I've come through thew other side of that phase, I think. My anger has burnt itself out, and I'm just accepting whatever comes. I still get pissed off as my last entry shows, but not with my life. Not with the way things are, with my situation, but with isolated parts of it. I heard (read?) a good definition of depression once - anger without enthusiasm. I think that's my main feeling at the moment.

I'm starting to realise that I can never get away from anyting. I'll be leaving the country in a week's time, and it will make me forget, at least for that time - but I''ll come back, and things will go on as before.

I'm getting profoundly tired of not making any choices for myself, and I'm afraid that I'm going to do something drastic to prove to myself (and other people?) that I can.

An asteroid's going to wipe us all out in 2019 though, isn't it? You, me, Barbara Streisand and the postman? Here's hoping I can hold out till then.

<3
gf

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