where I want to be
November 11, 2002 | 1:24 p.m.

My newest Diarytag:

From Gnwbec, who's locked. Boo.

you rant a lot about the shithole of a town you live in, you rant a lot about your family ... you rant a lot about a lot of things, really. if you could pick ghostyfox in her current form and place her anywhere in any environment, fictional or real, where would ghostyfox like to be?

OK, I'm really sorry that it's taken me a couple of days to post this, but Tag has been inactive for so long that I don't think it'll make that much difference :) I'm really glad that it's back at last - hopefully we can keep it going this time?

Now for the tag itself. It's true that I do rant a lot. I'd say that 70% of my diary entries are composed of rants about something or other - that's mostly because I'm quite shy and quiet (though I won't allow people to push me around) in real life, so dland is where I let my feelings out. It's like therapy. Better than therapy, in fact, not that I've had much experience of it.

I'm going to write (reasonably briefly, don't worry!) about both the places I'd like to be right now - that is, my physical happy place and my mental happy place. Physical first - I really really want to be living in a city, preferably London. I think that it's a 'grass is always greener' type thing to an extent - I've lived in predominantly rural (or at least small, boring, out-of-the-way) places my entire life, and now at 19 years old I am starting to seriously lose if not my mind then at least a good sane part of it. I really want to experience life in a city. Hey, maybe I'll hate it, which is what my parents seem to think, they would hate to live in a city (it's OK, I'm not going to rant about them. Not here, anyway).

I just want to live the opposite of what I have been living so far. I'm really desperate for a change. I'll be going to uni next year, in London hopefully, and I'll probably have to get used to living in a dodgy bedsit and living on diet of baked beans and getting my own clothes washed, and generally fending for myself. I know it doesn't sound much like heaven, but I would go through that and much more to get some independence somehow.

So I suppose I just want to be somewhere where I'm not bored and I get to make some decisions for myself. I love the idea of living with strangers, in that they don't have the right to criticise or question your actions (unless, I don't know, you drink someone else's milk and they get pissed about it, but you know what I mean, right?) I could do whatever the hell I wanted, even if it wasn't the best thing for me, even if I'd regret it later, but I would do it and it would be my decision. I want to do something, change something about myself, and be able to say 'I did that. I didn't ask anyone for their approval, and no one forced their opinion on me. I did it.'

That's basically all I want. I feel like my personality is not made up of my own likes and dislikes and beliefs and preferences, but an odd combination of those of the people who have authority over me. That's not a fun position to be in, and I didn't mind or even notice so much when I was twelve, but I'm an adult now. I really need to escape it.

That was cathartic. Thanks :)

That was my Tag. I really enjoyed writing that.

I am an idiot - I've signed up for NaNoWriMo, the crazy 'write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days' project. I haven't written one word of the actual book yet, and you'll have noticed that I actually have only 19 days left. I've gone and set up a site for it too, but there's no actual novel there as yet. I'll mention here if and when I do update it, not because I necessarily expect people to read but because it's my diary, dammit, and if I want to plug my own shit I will.

I'm done. Look at the site! I tweaked the html for like an hour!

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